Tim Allen on Women, Friends & Shoes

Women collect friends like they collect shoes. And like shoes, they never get rid of them.

- Last Man Standing on 1-17-12

- Episode 15: Odd Couple Out

Craig Ferguson on Credit Card Companies and Satan

"Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson

Jimmy Kimmel on John McCain and Cooperation

"John McCain said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country. What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner." -Jimmy Kimmel

Bill Maher on Insurance Companies and Health Care

"If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher

Jay Leno on Congress and Healrth Care

"Well, as you know, healthcare reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits that members of Congress get. Now, if we can just get some of their other perks: free travel, envelopes with cash, get-out-of-jail-free cards..." --Jay Leno

Jay Leno on Sarah Palin and Consequences

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." -Jay Leno

Jimmy Kimmel on Health Care and Tanning Booths

"The new healthcare bill passed. The bill has a 10 percent tax on tanning booths. Very convenient for a black President!" --Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno on Health Care

"Of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno on Health

"It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!" -Jay Leno

Jay Leno on Health Care

"You know, I was thinking about this health care problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care." -Jay Leno

Jimmy Fallon on FOX News and Obama

"President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'" -Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman on Rod Blagojevich and 'Celebrity Apprentice'

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'

10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?'
9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?'
8. 'Should I bring my attorney?'
7. 'Do I have anything better to do?'
6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?'
5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?'
4. 'Haven't I been through enough?'
3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?''
2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?'
1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'

Jay Leno on George W Bush

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" -Jay Leno

Jimmy Kimmel on Sarah Palin and Reality

"I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping a reality show considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality." -Jimmy Kimmel

Craig Ferguson on Health Care and Rush Limbaugh

"Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." -Craig Ferguson

Jay Leno on Monopoly

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." -Jay Leno

Jimmy Fallon on "Don't Ask. Don't Tell."

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell” policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" -Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno on the John Edwards Sex Tape

"I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That's all he is." -Jay Leno

Jay Leno on Wal-Mart

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." -Jay Leno … week of 1/22/10

Jay Leno on Scott Brown

"And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First, you get elected to the Senate, and then you get caught with your pants down. It's the other way. He seems to be very confused." -Jay Leno … week of 1/22/10